


Light Years Apart

by Greatescape55555



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Eventual Happy Ending, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-26
Updated: 2017-09-17
Packaged: 2018-12-20 04:26:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 15,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11913183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Greatescape55555/pseuds/Greatescape55555
Summary: It's crazy how one phone call can change your life. One moment you're fine, the next thing you know you're gripped by a terror so overpowering you feel as if the world is coming to an end. The pain of knowing that things will never, ever be the same.OrLexa's moving, leaving a heartbroken Clarke behind. Will their friendship survive the years and miles?





	1. Chapter 1

It’s crazy how one phone call can change your life. One devastating phone call in the middle of the night that turns your world inside out and upside down. One moment you’re fine, the next thing you know you’re gripped by a terror so overpowering you feel as if the world is coming to an end. The pain of knowing that things will never, ever be the same.

“We’re moving to California, Clarke.”

She will never forget those words or Lexa’s tone or how she felt that night. She remembers feeling as if everything were moving in slow motion, as if her whole world suddenly came crumbling around her, the pain just as fresh to her as if it were yesterday instead of two weeks ago.

Something broke inside her that day. She couldn’t go through this again. She couldn’t lose yet another person she loved. She almost didn’t survive it the first time and she’s scared that this time she will never make it on her own – without her best friend holding her hand and guiding her through.

It brought back so many bad memories - horrible memories - memories she’d tried for so long to bury, seeking the confidence she needed to go on. But to what end? Only to have her heart broken yet again? How many times can she fall apart, break apart, before she loses herself entirely?

Her father was ripped out of her life when she was thirteen years old. It was suddenly and horribly crumbling, and she knew that, for the first time in her carefree life, pain had entered the space in which she lived and breathed. Her father, who had loved her with unconditional devotion, who had cherished her all her life, now was gone forever.

Emotionally, she wasn’t ready to deal with it. She wasn’t ready to cry, or grieve, or even miss her father yet, because some part of her expected him to walk through the door, tell her it was all a big mistake. But then, there was her mother Abby, to remind her. Big, sad eyes. Her heart ached for her mother, but she would wake up soon and find it was just a bad dream.. right?

Then, a few days later, the harsh reality came crashing down on her. Her father’s funeral had been easy compared to the weeks, months, and years that followed. She could no longer call her father to talk - about nothing and everything. She could no longer be the receiver of one of his warm, enthusiastic hugs. 

Mentally and emotionally, she couldn’t be any more broken. At times, she thought her heart would explode, actually break apart. The very thought of her father not being there when she would graduate from high school and from medical school, not there when she got married – if she ever did – and not there when her first child was born, if she ever had children, her heart would ache like it was experiencing a massive malfunction. It felt as if her heart had shattered into shards, releasing jagged remnants of her father’s love through her veins.

One day she was at home taking a shower, and she literally just felt like she was dying – like the blood stopped rushing in her veins. Her throat was dry and a knot was growing. She kept gasping for air but breathing wasn’t getting any easier. She actually thought at that moment that she was going to die. She yanked the shower curtain open and stepped out of the hot water steam and into the cold air. That was when her heart started beating again. She realized her eyes had been closed and she was crying through her sealed eyelids. She regained airflow into her lungs and sunk down to the ground. That’s when she really had her first panic attack.

How could fate be so cruel? Accidents happen all the time, but why did it have to be her father? He was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. What if he hadn’t got sick at work and left early? Or what if he’d left five minutes later? Or earlier?

Without him beside her, it felt as though a part of herself was missing. She longed for his presence with a hollow ache inside her chest. She’d cried for hours, not only for herself, but also for her mother. She couldn’t bear to look into her face and see her pain, she couldn’t cope with seeing her so fractured, fighting to keep her emotions in check.

She couldn’t bear to speak to her family or friends, couldn’t listen to their tears and words of remorse. She simply couldn’t cope. Her mobile phone was permanently off and the landline went straight to answerphone, collecting the many messages that continued to flood in.

For months she’d closed herself off from people to protect herself from the pain. She didn’t want their stares, their pity. She believed no one would be able to understand what she was going through. No one. No one but her mother, but she didn’t want to burden Abby with any more problems. She already had enough to deal with.

And besides, her mother was barely around anymore. She’d found solace in her work, unable to face the raw pain. Clarke couldn’t blame her for running away whenever things got too intense for her. She was trying to save herself from suffering more than she already was. She knew the feeling all too well. Maybe they were more alike than she cared to admit.

The life she knew was gone forever; everything she had known became nothing more than a memory. Her family had been shattered, broken, and she was left to pick up the shards and attempt to piece them back together. But the most important part – her father Jake - was gone, gone for good, and a numbness, a blankness, an emptiness had settled into her.

She nearly lost herself completely, but there was one person who managed to take down the thick wall she’d built around herself. Someone who touched her heart in a way no other person ever had before. Her best friend Lexa. Sweet, patient, beautiful Lexa.

Through it all, Lexa remained the one constant and stabilizing person in her life. The one person whom she could depend, the person she trusted and cherished beyond reason. The one person who gave her hope for a future where she wouldn’t just fight to survive, but hope for something more. The one person who understands her most days better than herself.

How am I supposed to get through this again? How can she just leave me? Why would she go without me? After everything I’ve… we’ve been through.. How am I supposed to live without her? I’m helpless without her, hopelessly lost. 

Clarke’s body hunches forward, and she covers her mouth as a sob wracks through her body. She bends over and places her hands on her thighs, trying to get her breathing back to normal, trying to calm the panic threatening to overwhelm her. She blinks a few times, like she has no idea where she is, how she got here. She can’t get enough air into her lungs - like she’s been running for miles, though she hasn’t moved an inch.

She can’t even begin to imagine a life without her best friend in it, and nothing seems to matter or make sense to her anymore. Just one month ago she held the world in her hands, the future looking brighter than she could remember for a long time. They had so many plans, so many things they wanted to do together, and now… She’s losing her best friend and feels like she’s losing herself.

She has to force herself to stop thinking the way she is. Lexa’s not dead, she is just moving away. They will keep in touch, right? But that doesn’t make her feel any better. It’s just not enough. It’s Lexa she turns to for comfort, for security, for the fluttering feeling in the pit of her stomach that she has never experienced before, yet craves. She wants to be able to see her, hold her, and hug her the way she wants to.

Lexa makes things different… exiting. Whatever they’re doing, Lexa makes her feel like she’s part of the best thing in the world. She always manages to elevate her mood. She’s never been a fighter, but Lexa makes her feel like she is. The feeling is exhilarating, and she doesn’t think she can survive without it.

Her insides jerk beneath her flesh and she has no idea what to make of it. She feels hot and clammy, cold and uncomfortable, weak and tired. Very, very tired. A heavy weight pushes down on her, threatening to crush her with every passing second. Everything is heavy: her arms, her legs, her head. It’s as if she’s anchored to the earth, by her layers of clothing, by the sweat that coats her skin despite the morning chill.

Her body nearly folds into itself and she almost falls, but she stands up straight again. She squeezes her hands into fists, her nails digging into her palms like knives. Pain shoots up her arms and she sighs in relief. She welcomes the pain, because finally, finally, it’s a sensation she does understand. 

She shuts her eyes until the tightness in her chest eases and her head is clear enough to allow her to think. She needs to stop, stop worrying, stop her sixteen-year-old brain from overthinking. Keeping her eyes closed, she wipes her clammy hands on her jeans and forces herself to climb the last few steps on shaky legs.

Just get it over with.

She takes in a sharp breath and rushes through the front door before she can lose her nerve. She doesn’t remember climbing the stairs. She comes back to herself standing in the entrance of Lexa’s room, one hand gripping the doorpost and leaning against it, slowly breathing in and out as she unsuccessfully tries to calm down her racing heart.

There is nothing to describe what her heart does when she sees Lexa though. For a moment she can do nothing but stare, blinking once, twice, a bizarre mix of emotions rising up in her chest. Her best friend stands in front of the window, silhouetted against the morning sky. Her brown hair shining in the sunlight, her slim figure enhanced by a snug tank top and denim pants, her posture perfectly straight with her hands folded behind her back.

She wants to freeze time because in this moment, Lexa’s still here, and Clarke is selfish enough to admit that that is something she wants - no, something she needs. She’d do anything, go through anything to keep her best friend around.

Lexa hasn’t noticed her yet and Clarke takes advantage of the moment to look at her, really look at her. She lets her eyes wander down the entire length of Lexa’s body, lingering here and there, trying to memorize every single striking detail. Something stirs inside her, a yearning for something that she tries to deny but cannot.

She tries to remember how Lexa looked when they were both kids. Her massive mane of brown wild curls and her wide green eyes that spoke of more years than were evident. Her best friend since the day they first met in preschool. The spirited, enchanting little girl, full of life, not backing down to anyone no matter how large or small. The fiercely protective girl she came to love so much.

Everything about her is different now. Her baby fat had melted away, replaced by slender toned limbs, her face now more sharply defined. Her braids - Lexa’s automatic solution for keeping what could be a wild mane under control and out of the way - flow halfway down her back. Yet her posture never changed.

Lexa carries herself with an elegance Clarke views with awe and a little envy – always had – the fluidity of her movements suggesting her limbs were made of air or water instead of bone and tendon. She never drops things, or stumbles, each step, each hand gesture a flawless choreography.

Clarke swallows and blinks again, her eyes never leaving the girl in front of her. Her legs feel wobbly and everything aches. Her hand curls around the doorpost as though needing its strength to hold her up.

When did you get so beautiful? God, you’re so beautiful.

Shocked at her own thoughts, she abruptly closes her eyes, shakes her head and looks away. A wave of guilt washes through her, causing a blush on her cheeks to flood her skin all the way down to her neck. She feels her skin prickle with goosebumps all over and she shivers involuntary, a sensation she’d become familiar with in recent months. She does not dwell on it, because if she will, she will admit something to herself that she is not ready to admit.

She has no control over these feelings she’s having. These weird feelings that come and go - okay, mostly come - whenever Lexa touches her, or, truth be told, whenever she so much as looks at her. These non-platonic, endlessly complicated feelings. Whatever it is, it confuses her, it confuses everything; it makes her feel she doesn’t know who she is anymore. And yet in a way she feels more like herself than ever.

She can’t pinpoint the exact moment things changed. For months her life has been a series of strange happenings - of acting, thinking, and feeling in strange, unfamiliar ways. They’ve been friends for as long as she can remember, but somewhere along the line, those feelings must have changed. She’s craving for something more; she’s curious to explore the building tension between them.

If she’s being completely honest, things between she and Lexa were never simply friendly. It always felt like more, like something special. Something worth cherishing. She can’t understand, but it’s a “pull” she feels. She connects with Lexa in a different way than she connects with other people.

But we’re just friends, right? That’s all there is between us and that’s all there can ever be. Right?

Anything beyond that.. Clarke doesn’t want to think about it, she tries not to think about it but she can’t stop thinking about it. She thinks about it all the time. No matter how hard she tries to fight it, she knows, she just knows, she’s so painfully attracted to her best friend. She is drawn to her in every possible way. She feels, for the first time in her life, completely head over heels.

The truth she’s been hiding from hits her with so much force that tears fill her eyes, blurring her vision as she tries to blink them away. She can’t possibly allow herself to even consider or experience these feelings. She didn’t ask – she didn’t want – to feel this way about Lexa. She knows better, but she can’t seem to stop it. It’s beyond her control. It’s like staring at the sun; you know you should probably stop, but its’s the most intense feeling in the whole world that you can’t help but look.

There’s no worse idea than her falling for her best friend, no matter how pretty she is... like insanely pretty. Besides, it doesn’t matter. Lexa’s moving to the other side of the country. She can’t think about what she would do if things were different, because they aren’t.

But Lexa will always be the girl who showed her that life was worth living after her father’s death, who held her hand when she was thought there was no one else in the world willing to, who makes her feel special every single day.

But she’s also the girl who broke her heart two weeks ago when she told her she was leaving. The thought alone makes her want to throw up. No matter how their lives go, no matter what paths they choose, she wants Lexa to be her one true constant. She can’t lose her, she just can’t. Her throat closes up and she sways a little bit, but she stays on her feet.

Unconsciously, her eyes wander around the room and she freezes in place. There are boxes everywhere – a harsh reminder of reality. She wants to hide them, unpack them, put every single thing back in its original place. And in some bizarre way she envies them all because unlike her, they’re able to accompany Lexa.

“So you’re really leaving,” slips shakily out of her mouth before she can stop herself.

It takes effort not to choke on the words. She can taste her own bitterness, feel it curling her tongue. She isn’t loud, not really, but Lexa still jumps at the sound and Clarke seems to startle herself, blinking before swallowing heavily. She shifts nervously on her feet and watches her friend square her shoulders.

Lexa releases a shuddering breath before she turns around to face Clarke. She looks exhausted, and it shows on the bags under her eyes, the paleness on her skin and her stiff posture. Lexa takes her in, letting her eyes travel her face like they haven’t seen each other in ages. She can feel her gaze like a finger trailing up her spine.

For a moment, all Clarke can do is stare at her best friend, stare at the high arches of smooth cheeks and the bridge of her delicate nose. Her intense hypnotizing green eyes, surrounded by dark and defined eyelashes that accentuate the color. Lexa’s full lips are slightly parted and she seems a little out of breath.

A moment of silence falls between them, both frozen in place. Lexa’s eyes are the only part of her body that move, and they roam all over Clarke’s face with an odd intensity, as if memorizing her features.

God, those eyes.. Those achingly, impossibly beautiful eyes.

Clarke feels a hot wave crawling up her neck and cheeks, shaking her head at her own impossible thoughts. She remains silent, barely daring to breathe. The moment feels charged. She feels Lexa’s presence in the air she’s breathing, in the sunlight streaming through the window, and from the look on her friends face, she somehow knows Lexa’s feeling it too.

“Clarke, you came..” Lexa whispers, breaking the silence, and Clarke feels almost offended to see a hint of surprise in her expression. She squeezes her hands closed in tight fists to keep them from shaking.

But then again, what had she expected? For the past two weeks, she’d been purposefully avoiding Lexa. She hadn’t meant to. She just couldn’t handle it all at once. She felt hurt, angry and betrayed. So, she did what she does best - she’d run away from her fears and emotions and all the things she didn’t want to think about. She ran from Lexa, until she couldn’t run any longer, knowing that their time together soon would be coming to an end. They were losing precious time with each passing day, time they could have spent together, should have spent together.

“I told you I would come,” she answers, fighting to keep her tone even. She takes a shaky breath to quiet her racing mind.

Lexa looks around her uncertainly and nods slightly. When their eyes meet again, Lexa speaks, so softly Clarke has to strain to listen. “Yeah, I know.. but I thought-” She cuts herself off, and the “where were you the past two weeks” remains unspoken between them. Clarke lets out a steady, controlled breath to keep from snapping. She’s not accepting the guilt trip.

I’m not the one to blame here! You’re leaving me behind. You’re leaving me to fend for myself, knowing full well that I’m vulnerable.

Tears gather in her eyes and she looks up to the ceiling, trying everything to shove those stubborn tears back inside their ducts. She takes a deep breath and looks Lexa straight in the eye again. “I promised.”

A beat.

Lexa exhales slowly, shakily, and dips her head in a shallow nod. “You promised,” her voice impossibly small. She looks so young, so vulnerable and beautiful that it makes Clarke ache.

They stare at one another only seconds before Lexa’s gaze flickers away, the recognition obvious in her expression. Her long, slender fingers are twisting in the hem of her top and she looks like she wants to say something but isn’t sure she should.

“This is the part I’m worst at,” she blurts out, voice raw like she’s close to tears.

“What?” Clarke blinks in confusion.

“This..” Lexa tries again, throwing her hands up in the air. She lets out a long, nervous breath and looks miserably troubled as she goes on, “When I’m supposed to say the right thing, I always say the worst thing.. So I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to make it worse.”

Clarke gives a rough laugh and runs a hand through her hair, brushing it to one side. “The worst already has happened, Lexa. You’re leaving..”

Lexa’s green eyes widen and she shakes her head. “No, I’m sorry, Clarke, I-“ Her mouth opens and closes a few times, but no more words come out.

Clarke can only guess what’s going through her best friends head. That’s all she’s been doing lately, she realizes. Guessing and denying she was guessing. Not knowing exactly was she was hoping for when she did. Lexa’s the most beautiful, but also the most confusing person she’s ever known.

She looks at her best friend for a long moment, savoring what might be her last opportunity to do so for some time to come. She seems different today, almost as if she’s an entirely different person. There’s no easy smile on her face, no calm, no confidence. Her face has a grayish pallor to it, her normally bright green eyes dull. She looks so damn uncomfortable, so unsure, so unlike herself. Clarke wants nothing more than press the delete key, get rid of the last few weeks, and erase the horrible rift between them. All she wants is for things to go back to the way they were. 

She shakes her head and blinks back the tears brimming in her eyes. She almost sighs in relief as they fade away again. Despite feeling extremely upset and hurt, she can’t stand seeing her friend like this. It just seems so wrong. Lexa’s not supposed to be uncomfortable around her. It makes her feel untethered, vulnerable, like something’s missing - almost as if some invisible thread between them has been broken. It makes her feel unbalanced, and she desperately needs to repair it again. She thinks about all the things she wishes she had the words to say.

A loose curl falls on Lexa’s face and she wants so badly to reach out and tuck it behind her ear. It takes everything she has not to. The feelings she’s having right now are so strong, it almost feels like there’s a drug in the air that she’s breathing in, filling every inch of her body and mind. With Lexa’s eyes boring into hers, she isn’t strong enough to hold anything back.

“I had to see you..” she settles for saying and puts as much assurance in it as she can. Lexa looks as if she doesn’t believe her, and Clarke thinks she understands why.

Lexa stays stock-still, taking her in like she’s both terrified she’ll disappear and terrified she’ll stay. Clarke hates the doubt she sees swimming in the green eyes in front of her. 

“I mean it..” she says again and Lexa nods though she still looks heartbreakingly unsure. Lexa’s eyes roam over her face, and Clarke can do nothing but stand before her, vulnerable, open, laying her heart bare. She feels cold and hot at the same time, and when she glances down at her hands, she finds them shaking.

She takes a deep, shuddering breath and steps toward Lexa, not sure exactly what she plans to do when she gets there. She blinks through her tears and finds Lexa staring intently at her, knotting her fingers together the same way she used to do as a kid, whenever she was nervous. Her throat bobs prettily, but then again, is there anything about Lexa that’s not unbelievably pretty?

She continues to move closer until she’s within arm’s length, and she sees Lexa’s nostrils flare when she catches a whiff of her, then tries to hide it. She seems unsure of what to do with her hands, her body. Clarke shivers involuntary. She has to keep a wide stance to center herself, her eyes never straying from Lexa’s face.

Her body doesn’t feel like her own. She’s trembling like a leaf and a current races from her scalp to the base of her spine. Her throat, suddenly so very dry and tight, seems to close up completely. She idly wonders if she’s dying of some rare disease.

They’re standing close, too close, and she revels on it, enjoying how the few inches separating them is enough for her to smell Lexa’s perfume. Once again, her fingers itch to reach out and tuck Lexa’s loose curl behind her adorable, tiny ear again, but it seems like it’d break the spell.

Lexa’s eyes are ridiculously green and Clarke can tell there’s a shadow of a shy smile on her lips. She can’t stop looking at her. She thinks that she should look away but she can’t. Lexa looks as dazed as Clarke feels and she seems to have forgotten how to breathe at all.

“I’m glad you came,” Lexa whispers, and Clarke blinks her eyes back into focus. A fleeting pang of some unknown emotion pinches in her chest. “I thought maybe you wouldn’t come.”

Lexa’s eyes fill with tears at the same time her lips stretch in a shy smile. Clarke’s heart nearly breaks at the sight, and all she wants to do is to comfort her, to make her feel better. She can’t stand to see her cry; she’d never seen her cry.

Without a second guess, she steps into her friend, and for the first time in what feels like forever, she finally feels grounded and connected again. She sees Lexa’s eyes widen, sees the way she swallows nervously.

“Me too..” she murmurs, closing her eyes and wrapping both of her arms around her friend. She can’t help the sigh that escapes her lips, feeling butterflies awaken in her belly, fluttering everywhere.

Lexa stiffens for a second, and Clarke pulls her closer, her limbs quacking as she clings to her. For a fleeting moment, she’s afraid Lexa’s going to push her away, and she grasps her even tighter to brace herself. But ever so slowly two strong arms wrap around her waist, and she gasps in surprise. Lexa moves ever so carefully closer, like she’s afraid of making the wrong move, and buries her face against Clarke’s shoulder.

They inhale at the same time, their chests rising and falling together. Goosebumps jump up along her spine, and she squeezes Lexa a little tighter, wondering how it came to this. How people do this. How they find each other, only to lose each other again.

I can’t let you go, Lex.. I just can’t.

She allows her body to melt against Lexa’s, inch by liquid inch, burying her face in the crook of her neck. She feels Lexa’s heart beating against her chest - in sync with hers - and her slim body trembles against Clarke’s.

It’s one of those moment where she feels overwhelmed by how much Lexa matters to her. But this time it is different. She can’t really describe it, but it never felt like this before. She doesn’t remember ever feeling this way about anyone. And it scares the hell out of her. It’s almost too much, too pleasurable, too intimate.

Having their bodies flush together is one thing. Having their faces so close she can feel Lexa’s breath against her skin is another. Her head is spinning, and all she can do is stand there and hug her best friend, hold her. All the pain and anguish she felt on losing her, is replaced by an even greater amount of relief and gratefulness that Lexa is still here with her.

She feels Lexa’s hand tighten in the small of her back and the movement pulls Clarke further into her. Lexa is so warm and Clarke clutches her tighter, holding on to her, hoping to convey her feelings. Clarke holds her for what probably is an inappropriate long time, but if it bothers Lexa, she doesn’t show it.

Her heart is racing and she knows she should feel slightly embarrassed that Lexa can probably feel it but she doesn’t. She wants her to know. She wants Lexa to feel what she does to her. It overwhelms her in a way that makes it difficult to breathe. It feels like a small step, but an infinitely important one, one she just wasn’t quite ready to take.

But, whether she’s ready or not, she’s running out of time. She’s running out of chances, and out of excuses, too. This may well be the last time they’ll ever be together like this, and she doesn’t want to waste it. She already wasted far too much time alone, letting fear dictate her actions and rule her mind, but no more.

She wants to come out of the protective shell she’d built around herself. She wants to embrace her feelings and she wants to share them. She wants to cry and let the whole word know how she feels about her best friend. She wants to be able to act on her feelings - feelings that deserve to be regarded instead of dismissed. 

But at the same time she’s more scared than she’s ever been. She has no idea how she’s going to do this, how to open up and express herself. What if Lexa gets mad at her? What if she doesn’t feel the same way? It would ruin everything between them. But then again, what difference would that make? They’re already doomed, and she has nothing left to lose. She can’t change the fact that Lexa’s leaving, but she can change what will happen in the next few minutes.

A wave of anxiety sweeps through her, pinching her stomach into a thousand knots. This apparent no-win situation makes her feel paralyzed, and she has no idea how to proceed. Still, she manages to pull her friend closer, her fingers splayed on the small of Lexa’s back as her other fingers tangle in her silky, brown hair. She nuzzles her cheek against the hollow of Lexa’s neck, feeling the shudder through her friends body, and it makes her realise she’s not the only one affected.

Her senses are so heightened, so filled with Lexa; her scent, the softness of her curves and skin. They’re pressed together everywhere – chests, hips, legs – like puzzle pieces. It feels so good. Too good. If only this moment could last forever. She lets out a trembling breath, clinging to her friend and not caring what it may look like. She closes her eyes tighter and lets herself drown in the girl that means the world to her.

 

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

The moment is charged with an energy she can’t quite name, it’s unlike anything she’s ever felt before. Every nerve ending, every hair on her body, is standing to attention. She can feel Lexa everywhere. The sweet burn where their trembling bodies connect, and even where Lexa doesn’t touch her at all. Deep in her belly she feels an intoxicating pulse and her toes curl in her shoes. Her lungs ache.

She knows she should step back, put distance between them, but she doesn’t move. Neither does Lexa. And, even if she wanted to move, she can’t. It’s like she’s stuck in place. And to do so would cause friction between their bodies and set off a chain reaction she doesn’t want to think about. However, she can’t help the power of her imagination, and the very, very vivid pictures it’s feeding in her mind.

Oh my God, what’s happening to me?

Another shudder races down her spine. The urge to touch Lexa, beautiful Lexa, is nearly overpowering. A tingling sensation spreads throughout her body, reaching certain unfamiliar places and making her gasp for air. Her body’s reaction scares the life out of her, but something thrilling moves through her too, and that scares her even more.

She can feel Lexa take a steadying breath and she desperately wishes she could do the same, but her heart keeps hammering against her chest and she’s all out of breath. She’s terrified, she’s insecure, but most of all, she’s craving for more.

She holds Lexa as close as she possibly can, but it’s just not close enough. She’s not even sure she fully understands her body’s needs. She’s craving anything, everything, that Lexa is willing to give her, living for the next fix and never fully satisfied. 

Another minute or so passes before they finally pull back slightly, just an inch or two from each other, far enough for their gazes to connect. Something passes between them. Clarke is sure of it. The air between their bodies is so hot and heavy she feels as if she’s going to choke. Lexa’s luminous green eyes widen a bit, as if she feels it, too.

Simultaneously, they take a small step back. Their hands slide down each other’s arms until their fingers are clasping, and they squeeze their clammy hands together. Clarke finds herself captivated by the look on Lexa’s face. She is oddly silent, her eyes never leaving Clarke’s face. It’s hard to breathe with the way Lexa is looking at her, like she wants to say a lot of things that Clarke knows she will not say. Lexa can be unpredictable where feelings are concerned. She’s always been a girl of few words. A tilt of her head, a clenching of her jaw. But mostly her eyes. Those impossibly beautiful eyes.

Clarke can feel the mounting energy like the build of electricity in the air before a storm, and she actually finds herself holding her breath. Lexa just stares at her, eyes roaming over her face so intently that a flush begins to creep up her neck and onto her cheeks. She fights to remain still as Lexa’s thumb brushes back and forth over her knuckles.

A strand of brown hair falls into her eyes, and out of reflex, Clarke reaches over to smooth it back. She gently brushes Lexa’s hair from her face and allows her hand to linger against her cheek. She can feel Lexa lean subtly into the touch, and she pushes back with the most minute pressure. Her hand is warm on Lexa’s cheek, almost feverish. If she was thinking her heart was racing before, she knows that it is now beating out of control. She lets out a soft, nervous laugh.

They stare into each other’s eyes and Clarke traces the lines of Lexa’s face, from her temple to her cheekbones, letting her fingertips trace the edge of her jaw, the line of her neck, until they land on her shoulder. She just can’t help herself. She never wants to stop touching her. She wants to explore every inch of Lexa, she wants to give her every part of herself. She never wants to be without her. Ever.

In the meantime, Lexa seems to have stopped breathing all together. She blinks a few times, then smiles shyly under her touch. Clarke gently squeezes her shoulder and she feels Lexa shudder. Her stomach flutters with butterflies when she notices Lexa’s cheeks turning a pinkish shade. Her lashes flutter and her full lips part slightly. Her green eyes are wide and vulnerable, almost as if she allows Clarke to see inside her very soul. Clarke almost doesn’t know how to handle the gift. She doesn’t want to break this weird spell that’s come over them.

Lexa inches a little closer, grasping her left hand tighter, and her green eyes bore into Clarke’s. The hair on the back of her neck stands up, and the sensation of electricity overtakes her once again. Despite her nerves, she manages to stare right back and she finds herself fall, impossibly, even more in love with the gorgeous girl in front of her. Wide green eyes flick down to her lips, and Clarke stops breathing all together.

She doesn’t miss the hitch in Lexa’s breathing when she moves in close to her, causing her to shiver with the soft collision of their bodies. Lexa’s arms instinctively wrap around her waist again, fisting Clarke’s shirt in her long, slender fingers. Their eyes remain locked together in an embrace of their own. She knows she’s pushing her limits, but she finds she doesn’t care nearly as much as she probably should.

Clarke’s blue eyes roam over Lexa face, falling to her mouth. Her full, gorgeous lips tremble and part on a shocked breath. Clarke’s quivering with something that almost feels like… need? The urge to do something she’s not supposed to do. But it’s something she desperately wants. She knows she’s nearing a line she shouldn’t cross, but she’s too far gone now.

Lexa’s lips are the most tempting part of her beautiful, stunning, breathtaking face, and Clarke can’t stop looking at them. It sends jolts of longing, sharp shards of fear, a heavy heat of desire, chasing each other through her body. Warning bells go off in her head that she’s pushing too much. But she can’t stop herself. She doesn’t want to stop herself. She may never get this chance again. And besides, she may never be able to find the courage again. 

A puff of air passes Lexa’s lips and blows across hers. So kissable. So.. Oh, God. I can’t hold it any longer.

It’s not a plan. It’s not intentional. But it’s overwhelming, too much of everything, and so she surges forward and presses their lips together, trying to tell her wordlessly everything she isn’t yet ready to say. Lexa inhales sharply through her nose and clutches Clarke’s shirt tighter.

Clarke’s lower lip trembles as it melts between Lexa’s fuller ones for just a second and they’re so soft, so warm. And God, it feels good. She doesn’t move, afraid this moment will end – afraid that if she stops touching Lexa, she’ll awaken and realize this was all just a dream. It’s the most wonderful panic she’s ever felt.

But when Lexa doesn’t move away, doesn’t push her away, she presses her lips more firmly against Lexa’s. She doesn’t open her mouth - merely increases the pressure -and breathes shakily through her nostrils. She shouldn’t. She really shouldn’t, but she can’t resist. Her skin feels electric.

She reaches up, brushes her hand through Lexa’s hair, and cups her jaw. The touch almost sparks, and her fingers pulse for a moment before settling on Lexa’s cheek. Clarke’s whole body is shaking, she’s never wanted anything so bad in her life.

With infinite care, she lets her lips linger against Lexa’s, moving slowly, gently, barely brushing her sensitized skin. Lexa’s lips move to match hers. Exerting pressure, then releasing. Nothing, nothing, has ever felt so good, so true, and she knows, now, that what she’s doing is right.

I just hope she feels the same way. But she’s kissing me back.. Right?

The kiss lasts only a few seconds, but she knows she’ll treasure those few seconds for the rest of her life. They break apart slowly, but stay close, with Clarke struggling to bring herself back under control. Lexa’s dazed eyes follow Clarke’s lips. Her pupils are dilated but her eyes are warm. Warmer than Clarke’s ever seen them. Lexa’s looking at her like she’s the only thing that she’ll ever be able to focus on. 

There’s a moment where she’s not really sure where she is or what’s going on - as though she’s floating above herself on a cloud of utter bliss. Then suddenly everything rushes into focus and she’s snapped back into reality. It’s a pretty rude experience.

“Oh my God..” she rasps out. The words are spilling out of her lips before she has time to think them through. “Oh my God.. I- I’m sorry..” she stammers, too surprised herself to even think to pull back her hand from Lexa’s cheek. “I don’t know what I- I mean, God, I’m so sorry..”

Her hand drops from Lexa’s cheek, but Lexa catches it halfway in its retreat, and Clarke starts in surprise - but then she flicks her eyes back down to Lexa’s lips just as Lexa does the same. It occurs to Clarke that she’s holding her breath. Has been for the last several seconds. She can’t bring herself to move a muscle or so much as blink in case it disrupts this moment.

Lexa shakes her head, her eyes focused on Clarke’s lips that are a breath away. “Don’t be..” she whispers, and the slow circle she draws on Clarke’s knuckles does nothing to soothe her racing heart. She’s overcome with too many feelings and the intensity of the moment. The fine hairs on Clarke’s neck stand up as Lexa smiles, and it takes her a moment to ground herself again.

She closes her eyes and inhales a shaky breath. “It’s just…” She licks her lips as she finishes her thought, “I didn’t mean for this to happen. You’re my best friend, Lex, and I shouldn’t have done that. I don’t want to force you to do anything you don’t want.”

Lexa tilts her head forward so it presses against Clarke’s, and they both close their eyes. She lets out a soft sigh and whispers, “It’s okay, Clarke. You did nothing wrong. Don’t worry about it.”

Clarke sighs in relief, but in the next instant wonders why she still feels so distressed. Her eyes squeeze shut and she fights for a moment to breathe, struggling against the wave of despair crushing through her body. It’s all too soon, too much. So she stumbles back, putting some space between them, and Lexa’s hands drop to her sides at once. She swears she feels the slightest tremor in Lexa’s hand when it slips from out of her grasp.

“I can’t do this.. I just-” she chokes out and runs both of her hands through her hair. “Why did I just do that? You’re leaving, for God’s sake! It only makes things harder.”

A flicker of something passes over Lexa’s features and Clarke’s not quite sure what it means. But she wants to know. She wants to know how she feels, what she thinks, if it affects Lexa just as much as it affects her. 

“It just feels so surreal..” she continues shakily, “like a bad dream I’m waiting to wake up from, but I don’t know if I’ll actually wake up this time.”

“Clarke, I-”

“No, Lex, I need to get this off my chest. Just hear me out, okay?”

Lexa swallows. Her mouth is tense, and Clarke knows it means she’s nervous. Scared, even. She nods in acknowledgment, but doesn’t say anything. A moment of uneasy silence settles between them, as if stuck between fight and flight, and Clarke has no idea where to go from here. So many unspoken words hang in the air between them, creating an impossible weight and tension.

“I just feel so damn lost.. so powerless.. and I hate it. Like it doesn’t really matter what I do. All I can do is feel and get ready to get hurt. I just don’t… don’t want to hurt anymore.”

Lexa casts her eyes down towards the floor and swallows visibly. “I’m sorry..” she whispers. It takes her a moment to gather before she can speak again, and when she looks up, her eyes are damp with unshed tears. “I never meant to make you feel like this.”

“I know you didn’t mean to,” Clarke confesses quietly, “but it still hurts.”

Lexa looks so sad, so drained. “I know..”

For a long moment, Clarke’s torn between wanting to comfort Lexa and wanting to give her space. She doesn’t know how to act right now. She doesn’t know anything anymore..

“Lex.. What am I going to do without you?” she finally chokes out. “I can’t do this by myself. I’m not strong enough. I just can’t..”

Lexa eyes widen slightly, and then flash with something fierce. “Yes, you can, Clarke. You are stronger than you think.” She starts to step towards Clarke but doesn’t. She paces for a brief second, and then stops. She looks helpless and lost in her own room, and Clarke hates it.

“No, I’m not,” she whispers, shaking her head before her blue eyes lock with Lexa’s again. “I don’t want to fight anymore. I’m just so tired of it.”

Lexa looks at her intensely, and ever so slowly, she takes a step towards her. “You were born to fight, Clarke.” She takes another step closer. She’s close enough to reach out and touch her now. “Same as me..”

Clarke freezes as she watches Lexa’s hand make its way up to her face. Half of her is screaming to stop Lexa and the other half is begging her to let her continue. Instead, she closes her eyes, and holds her breath, afraid to move, sensing how fragile this moment is.

“Clarke,” Lexa’s voice shakes as the word comes out, sounding much more like a prayer than a name. “Look at me.” Her hand trembles when she touches Clarke’s cheek and it leaves her heart racing. Lexa traces the line of her cheekbone, so softly it’s almost as if she isn’t touching her at all. But it is real - the touch is real - because she feels a spark running between them where they touch, skin on skin.

Her hand rises before she can stop herself, covering Lexa’s hesitantly. She opens her eyes to find Lexa’s green ones only inches away. She swallows thickly before whispering, “Life should be about more than just fighting. Don’t we deserve better than that?”

Her eyes roam slowly across Lexa’s face, gauging her reaction. She watches her without blinking, not wanting to miss a single emotion swirling in her eyes, and she’s almost shocked at the intensity of her gaze.

“Maybe we do..” Lexa whispers softly, casting her eyes down to Clarke’s lips. Slowly her eyelashes flutter against her cheekbones and she takes a deep breath.

Clarke has never seen Lexa more open, more vulnerable. She knows she’s playing with fire right now, but if she doesn’t push, she may never be able to have this chance again. “Tell me how you feel.. “ she whispers. She waits, pausing to watch Lexa drag her eyes back up. “How do you feel about leaving?”

Lexa blinks, as if startled by her question. For a moment, she looks lost for words. Her face falls, and it almost looks like she’s about to cry. But instead she sets her jaw and stands a little taller, taking a quick step away from her. It feels like a slap in the face, but Clarke quickly composes herself. 

Lexa’s eyes dart to the floor before looking back up at Clarke. “It is what it is,” she says, almost too softly for Clarke to catch, folding her hands behind her back.

How can she turn so cold in a heartbeat?

A flash of frustration rips through her chest and Clarke tries to school her features and obscure the war of emotions taking place within her.

“That’s not an answer, Lexa,” she nearly spits out, barely keeping herself from stamping her foot in frustration. “How can you even say that? You act like… like it doesn’t affect you. Like it doesn’t hurt. I hate it when you do that!”

Lexa flinches visibly and slowly shakes her head from side to side. She is silent for a moment, and then she shakes her head again, frowning a little as if inwardly scolding herself.

“I-“ she starts, but cuts herself off with a wince. Clarke sees the uneasiness on her face, following her wide green eyes dart away and back. Lexa lifts her head, and the expression in her eyes is so troubled, it makes Clarke’s heart hurt.

“Please, just talk to me, Lex,” she tries again, her voice careful and low. “I know how hard that is for you. But please, try. Just try it for me. We may never have a chance to do this again.”

Lexa’s eyes shine with unexpected - and probably unintended - sadness. She swallows thickly, and Clarke watches her throat move with the action. She folds her lips together for a moment, staring off into a different corner of her room and away from Clarke.

When Lexa finally speaks again, it’s as if her words are stones that she has to find and carefully push out of her mouth. “You have no idea what it’s like for me, Clarke.”

“Then tell me..”

“Why? It won’t make any difference. It doesn’t change anything,” Lexa nearly cries out, and her green eyes bore into Clarke’s, burning with things she obviously wants to say, but doesn’t.

“Because we’re friends, Lexa!” Clarke counters, her hands flying up in the air to emphasis her point. “Friends actually talk to each other, tell each other how they feel.”

Lexa watches her with mild panic in her eyes, and she opens her mouth before closing it again. When she doesn’t speak, Clarke takes a measured breath and continues, “Because I want to know.. I want to know how you feel, Lex. Why is it so hard for you to trust me?”

Lexa’s eyes widen almost comically. “I do.. I do trust you, Clarke. You know that.” She attempts to move closer, but Clarke quickly takes a step back.

“No, I don’t, Lexa! I don’t know anything anymore,” she cries out. “I don’t know why you have to go and leave me behind. I don’t know why my father had to die. I don’t even know what my mother looks like anymore. I don’t know what the hell I did to deserve all of this.”

She wraps her arms around herself to prevent her shaking. “Why does everyone I love leave me?”

Lexa gasps out loud and shakes her head. “Clarke, I-“

“Is it me?” Clarke interrupts, quietly. “Is there something wrong with me? Am I that hard to be around?”

When Lexa doesn’t respond, Clarke looks up, shocked when she notices Lexa is far closer than she was before. She sees something in her eyes she’s never seen before. And when she does give her an answer, her voice is so full of emotion Clarke can barely handle it. “No, Clarke, how can you even think that? You’re the best person I’ve ever met.”

“Then why are you leaving?” she whispers brokenly, holding Lexa’s gaze with her own. “Why won’t you let me in? You always encourage me to open up.. you’ve been there for me in ways no one else has. But you won’t even give me a chance. I never really know what you think… how you feel.”

Lexa’s face crumbles and she quickly averts her eyes. “Please don’t make this any harder than it already is,” she whispers. Her voice is unmistakably trembling. She sounds about as bad as Clarke feels.

Clarke lets out a breath she didn’t realize she was holding. She wants to make things better, to fix things between them, but she can’t. She can’t change the fact that Lexa’s leaving. She wants to scream. She wishes she could. It’s taking all her effort to keep breathing.

“You’re the one that’s making this hard. Why do you always have to be so stubborn?”

Lexa sighs and slowly, cautiously looks up again. “What is it you want from me, Clarke?” 

I want you!! she wants to scream and cry. But, miraculously, she doesn’t do any of those things. She can’t say those words, because she will undoubtedly start crying if she opens her mouth. So much for trying to act like a brave girl.

Like so many things in her life, Lexa’s nearing absence is one more thing she has no control over. She breathes in and out intently, but she can’t seem to fill her lungs no matter how deep she does it. She looks at Lexa. She looks about as good as Clarke feels.

“Is it?” she whispers shakily, “Is it hard for you to leave?” She doesn’t look away from Lexa’s face. This right here - this could very well be the last time she sees her.

A moment passes. She watches as Lexa’s eyes dart back and forth between hers, and though she wants to shake her, she sees a flicker of fear in her green eyes that stills her. Lexa is frightened. She never fully considered what it must be like for her – too consumed in her own pain to recognize Lexa’s. But now she realizes she’s not the only one with something to lose here. Lexa is forced to leave everything behind her and start a new life away from the familiar things and places. 

“Yes.” Lexa murmurs out before stopping for a moment, making a face as if she’s trying to decide how she would phrase whatever is all jumbled together in her mind. Clarke holds her breath, waiting for Lexa to continue. “But let’s not dwell on things we can’t change.”

Tears well up in Clarke’s eyes again, and her shoulders drop in resignation. It feels like every step they make forward takes them two steps back.

“Please don’t do this,” she chokes out, a mix of a whisper and a sob. “Don’t do this, don’t shut me out,” she nearly begs, when it’s clear Lexa’s not going to give or show any real response. She curls her fingers in on the itch to reach out and touch her friend, steadying herself by driving her nails into her palms.

Lexa looks to the ceiling, trying to compose herself. When she speaks again, her voice is barely there. “What would you have me do?”

Clarke laughs incredulously. “What just happened between us didn’t make it obvious to you? I want you to be part of my life. I don’t want you to go.” She stares at her friend until their eyes meet again. “Please, don’t go..”

“It’s not like I have a choice, Clarke.” The way Lexa says it, it’s like she can barely get the words out. Lexa’s hands and lips are trembling, and she struggles to breathe through tears that haven’t fallen yet from her bloodshot eyes.

Clarke digs her nails in deeper and takes a step forward. Emotion clogs her throat, and she clears it.

Her nerves are at the breaking point by now, with all that she’s been through. “Yes, you do!” she blurts out, without really thinking. “Stay here…”

The words seem to stun Lexa, as if she didn’t expect any response of the sort. Clarke watches green eyes widen, her full lips part in shock. Unthinking, Clarke takes a step toward her. She draws an unsteady breath. There isn’t much space left between them. She thinks Lexa draws back and it stings. She knows she should give her space, but it’s like there’s a rope tying them together. She doesn’t want to take a step back. She wants to reach out.

She pulls Lexa to her, reaching up with trembling hands to frame her beautiful, frightened face. 

“Stay here with me.”

 

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

Clarke pulls Lexa to her, reaching up with trembling hands to frame her beautiful, frightened face.

“Stay here with me,” she breathes out, smoothing her thumbs over Lexa’s cheeks. She watches green eyes widen for a fraction of a second before something raw flashes through them. “I-I don’t want this.. whatever this is between us.. to be over.”

The words are out before she has a chance to stop them. It’s the first thing she can think to say that doesn’t have to do with how her heart is racing or how her stomach won’t stop rolling. Or maybe it does. Maybe it is the reason for her body to act this way. But despite what just happened between them, she refuses to believe it even now.

No person or situation should be able to affect her in such a way. Emotionally maybe, but not physically. There must be some other cause for her body to act in ways she doesn’t understand or want. Maybe she’s really coming down with something. It’s the only thing that actually makes sense. She hasn’t been sleeping or eating well- not since that day two weeks ago. She’s been feeling awfully nauseous and shaky. It must be the flu or something similar. It’s the only logical explanation she can think of.

She tries to dismiss every other possibility, she really does. But then Lexa leans into her left hand, so slowly it barely looks like she’s moving, and every cell of her body tingles with longing- a longing so powerful, she can no longer deny it. Her body actually responds to the touch, to Lexa, and it’s beyond her control. She feels it in the way her heartbeat quickens, the gooseflesh that rises across her entire body, the strange feeling in her belly, and the way her muscles flinch and tense.

God, who was I trying to fool, really?

Blinking her eyes back into focus, she finds Lexa’s gaze burn right into her. She shivers involuntary and her heart weeps with need- need to be close to this girl, as if she can never be complete without her. Lexa’s gorgeous, gleaming green eyes are like the sun, blinding her, making her want to both turn away and look upon them endlessly, and surely that’s the reason Lexa is outlined in gold, like some powerful and awe-inspiring goddess. If it wasn’t apparent before, it is now crystal clear that Lexa holds some kind of weird power over her.

She wants to shake herself in frustration, to yell at herself to stop denying the truth and being so damn stubborn. But it’s the only way she knows how to cope. It’s all still so new, so fresh, so overwhelming. Just yesterday, she wasn’t sure about her feelings for Lexa. And today, she’s in love with her. And tomorrow? Tomorrow Lexa’s leaving and she’ll be heartbroken.

Her head is spinning with so many conflicting thoughts and feelings. What if I push her too far, too much? What if I scare her away? What if by some miracle she likes me, too? What if she doesn’t? What does it matter anyway? It’s not like she’ll be here the day after tomorrow. But, God, I want her to be here. I want her to stay with me forever. How can I make her stay?

She hears her own words replay in her mind: ‘You’re the one that’s making this hard.’ Now, however, she realises that it wasn’t an entirely fair accusation. She’s just as much to blame as Lexa is. If she was bold enough to kiss her best friend just a few minutes ago, then why is she being such a coward now? She needs to stop before it’s too late. There’s no time to waste, no time to hold back.

“Stay..” she manages to whisper without choking. She tries to focus on Lexa’s eyes and not on her lips, but it’s hard, really hard.

She takes a deep breath to control her nerves and traces Lexa’s cheekbones, committing them to memory. Her face is unreadable, and Clarke bites her lip to stop it from trembling. She can almost feel Lexa holding her breath, and as the seconds tick by, Clarke starts to think about the significance of this moment. She has no idea what is going to happen, how it will affect her life. But one thing she knows with absolute certainty: today, her life will change forever.

She almost retches when a sudden wave of nausea hits her. She’s not strong enough to even think of losing her best friend. She’s terrified. She’s tired of being so unsure all the time but not knowing what to do about it. It’s so hard and complicated and painful.

She flinches when Lexa’s hands reach up to cover hers still resting against her cheeks. She can’t help but let out a shaky sigh. Lexa keeps her hands there for a moment, staring deep into her eyes. Her lips quiver like she’s searching for something to say, but no words come out. Then she looks down and takes Clarke’s hands in hers, gently pulling them from her cheeks. She stares at them for a moment, but instead of withdrawing completely, she slowly curls her long fingers between Clarke’s.

Clarke nearly whimpers when their palms brush together. Electricity shoots up her arms and she finds herself holding her breath in anticipation. Tension is running high through her body and her chests hurts so bad. Is this what it’s supposed to feel like to be in love? She has no idea. She has nothing to compare it to.

She watches green eyes study her. There’s warmth, there’s hope, but there’s something else, too. Something that terrifies her. A desperation so deep it hits her with an almost physical impact. She has to force herself to remain calm and Lexa doesn’t appear to fare any better. She’s visibly struggling before she finally answers, slowly as though weighing every word in her head before speaking them out loud.

“Clarke.. I can’t..”

The tone of her voice catches Clarke off guard. It feels desperate, like she’s begging Clarke for something, to understand how she feels. But she doesn’t want to understand, she doesn’t know how.

“Yes, you can, Lex!” she counters immediately, tightening her grip around Lexa’s hands.

Her voice comes out unexpectedly strong, and she revels in it. She watches Lexa’s eyes widen before she shakes her head. Her green eyes are filled with so many emotions, that Clarke wants to cry. Before she knows what’s happening, Lexa stumbles back and pulls her hands from her grasp. Clarke barely stops herself from choking on a sob. She sways slightly, struggling to keep her balance.

“I’m 16 years old, Clarke. I can’t just stay here.” A muscle in Lexa’s jaw twitches and she breaks their tense eye contact. “You don’t- you don’t know what you’re asking. They will never allow me to stay here on my own.”

Lexa looks down at the floor, then back into Clarke’s eyes. She looks broken and vulnerable, such a difference from her usual confidence. Clarke wants to reach out and take Lexa’s hands in her own again, but she doesn’t.

She opens her mouth to say something when Lexa speaks again. “But that’s not even the point. I can’t stay here, Clarke. Where am I supposed to sleep? I don’t have any money. I can never make it on my own.”

Lexa’s right, Clarke knows she’s right, but that doesn’t make it any easier. It’s just not fair. She stares down at her feet, her fingers fumbling with them hem of her shirt.

“You can stay with me..” she breathes out, finally finding the courage to look Lexa in the eye again. “You’re alone, and I’m alone.. We can be alone together.”

Lexa lets out a wry laugh. “You’ve got your mom living with you, Clarke.” She swallows, as if startled by her own words, but keeps her eyes locked with Clarke’s.

Clarke blinks when her friend’s words register in her brain. “Really, Lex? That’s what you’re going with?” she asks incredulously. Suddenly anger swells up inside her, hurt and pain which she can no longer suppress. “She’s never home, and you know that! I might as well live on my own. Why would you even say that?”

She shakes her head in disbelief. Clarke genuinely doesn’t know why Lexa would say something like that. She brushes her hands through her hair and lets out a long, shaky breath before she whispers, “You of all people should know how lonely I feel.”

Lexa sways, once, as if punched. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t- I didn’t mean it that way.” Her voice is raw and shaky and her green eyes search Clarke’s, wide and desperate. “I’m so sorry, Clarke. Of course I know that.”

Clarke can relate to the pain, the desperation, clouding Lexa’s eyes. That’s all she’s been feeling lately. But she can’t stand to see her friend hurt, especially when she’s the one doing it. She knows she’s wearing Lexa down and she doesn’t want to make her upset. She wants to soothe her, she really does. She wants to reach out and hold her, but she can’t. If only there were some other way to get past this point. But there simply is no other way to do this. It’s inevitable- they will both suffer. 

She closes her eyes before taking a deep breath to calm herself. Her palms are damp, but she doesn’t have the energy to brush them against her jeans. After a few seconds she feels a tiny bit less angry, but it only makes room for other emotions. She feels sick. She feels hurt. But most of all, she’s desperate for Lexa to open up. She can’t lose her. Not like this. She wants an explanation.

“Well, what did you mean?” she asks quietly, hesitantly meeting Lexa’s gaze.

Lexa exhales, rubbing her forehead as if in pain. “I- I don’t know..” the words tremble on her lips when she speaks, “God, this is all so messed up.. so wrong! Why does this have to be so hard?”

Lexa looks so sad, so heartbroken, that Clarke can’t find it in her to stay mad at her. “Yeah, tell me about it.”

She’s not sure how long they stand there, eyes meeting and darting away. The space between them is filled with unspoken words- unspoken feelings- like white noise. She feels stuck, and the worst part is this feeling of absolute helplessness. She needs to do something- say something- now. Before it’s too late. She needs to gain some control over the situation, rather than let the situation control her.

She inhales deeply and clenches her hands into fists. They both look down for a moment before Clarke speaks again. “Seriously, Lex, you don’t have to leave. I’m sure my mom would let you stay with us.” Her eyes sting from unshed tears. “Think about it. You can finish school here, you can stay on the baseball team.. and we can be together every day.” 

For a second, Lexa looks open and hopeful, but she shuts down faster than Clarke can blink. “I can’t..” Lexa sounds choked up. Almost pained. “I have to do what’s right for my family.”

Clarke feels a sharp pang in her chest. She takes a step back as if in response to a physical blow. She bites her cheek to keep bile from rising her throat. It hurts, it stings like hell.

“Your family?!” she spits out. Lexa blinks, visibly caught off-guard.

Her smile is bitter, incredulous and she knows Lexa can easily see that. But she doesn’t care. “When did they ever treat you right? You don’t owe them anything, and you especially don’t owe people who were never even there for you anything!”

It takes Lexa a moment to regain her composure. Her eyes hold Clarke’s with fierce intensity, reflecting a myriad of emotions. She clears her throat and straightens. “You’re wrong, Clarke. I do owe them. They took me in. They gave me a family.”

Her hands are firm behind her back, and her shoulders are rigid. It’s the position she takes when she’s uncomfortable. Clarke gets it, she really gets it. She knows where Lexa’s coming from, the things she had to endure. But she’s still mad. But it’s not Lexa she’s angry with. It’s her family.

She really, really doesn’t want to ruin this moment. Except, it’s already ruined, isn’t it? “They never treated you right! They never even deserved you.” The force of her own explosive voice startles her.

Lexa’s wide eyes are upon her and Clarke can see how much effort it takes, but her gaze is unwavering. Her whole body is coiled, and when she glances down, she sees Lexa’s hands curled in fists at her sides. She takes a long pause before answering, and her eyes are distant when she does.

“They’re still my family.”

Clarke opens her mouth, about to respond, but Lexa’s next phrase takes all the air out of her lungs.

“They’re all I have.”

Clarke recoils as if slapped, and Lexa draws a sharp breath. The phrase cuts to the bone, and Clarke blinks, cursing herself when she feels her eyes start to burn with unwanted tears. She can’t swallow the lump in her throat no matter how hard she tries. Nausea is quick and strong as it washes over her, and she presses her hands against her stomach.

‘You have me!’ She wants to shout, but she forces herself to remain calm, and her voice shakes only a little when she says, “They’re all you have.”

It’s a statement of sheer disbelief, and Lexa swallows at that. Something flashes through her eyes at those words, and she looks like she wants to say something, but she doesn’t. When another moment passes and Lexa doesn’t say anything, Clarke shifts on her feet.

“So this..” She gestures between them, laughing again, just as humorlessly, just as lost. “Us.. I’m just some stranger to you?”

She doesn’t look away from Lexa’s face. A confused frown takes over her friend’s features for a second, like she didn’t even consider this possibility. She blinks a few times before her eyes shoot widen open in panic, frantically searching Clarke’s face.

“No! No, of course not, Clarke. How can you even- That’s not-” Lexa stumbles over her word, her gaze heavy with guilt. She blinks again, rapidly, as if that will chase Clarke’s words away.

“That came out so wrong..” Lexa whispers, and her voice trembles with everything she wants to say but can’t. Or won’t. Clarke watches as Lexa’s fingers hover near her hand, almost grazing her skin before she withdraws them, not sure if she wants to be touched.

When she speaks again, her voice is low, intense, as if she’s willing Clarke to understand. “You could never be a stranger to me.”

She looks at Lexa’s pleading, earnest eyes. She has never found anything but the truth there. But that’s the way Lexa sees things now. They’re both still so young and Lexa can change her mind. People change over time and friendships will inevitably change or even fade. Clarke knows from experience how much can change in just one minute. So how much can change in months, maybe even years?

She can’t bring herself to think about it, but can’t stop herself from doing just that, either. Soon they will practically be strangers, living thousands of miles apart, only tied together through their shared past. Lexa will meet new people. New friends. And she will start over. Without her. And she’ll be stuck in this god-awful town forever- a town filled with memories, both happy and horrible.

Tears gather in her eyes again and she wipes her nose on her sleeve. She doesn’t want to lose her best friend over something she can’t control. She wants to do whatever it takes to be with Lexa, even if that means she can’t physically stay with her. She rather has her in her life, in any capacity, than not at all.

“I won’t just stand here and watch you leave!” she cries out, no longer even attempting to hide the desperation she feels. “There has to be something I can do.”

She hates how defeated and unsure her voice sounds and watches Lexa rub her temples before heaving a shaky sigh. Like a statue she stands there, for an endless moment, and then, so painfully slowly that she barely detects movement, Lexa turns her gaze back in her direction.

“There’s nothing you can do now..” she whispers, voice suddenly impossible small. “You have to let me go.”

Clarke feels a pain sharp to the point of being unbearable at hearing Lexa’s words. It’s a pain she can’t compare, so different from the pain when she heard about her dad’s accident. He never had a choice in the matter. He was forced to leave her behind. Lexa, however, does have a choice. No matter how small it may seem. 

She’s suddenly so irritated with Lexa, so mad. She doesn’t completely understand her own anger, but it explodes in her chest, spreading through her body like wildfire. She doesn’t want to get into a fight with her best friend. She really doesn’t. Not now. Not ever. But she’s upset and drained and less stable than she wants to be. She realizes she’s practically shaking with anger and she doesn’t want to back down.

“Like hell I do!”

Lexa blinks at her outburst. They’re left staring at each other, emotion quivering between them so intensely that the air seems to shimmer with it. Lexa’s silent for a long moment, as if trying to figure out how to put her thoughts into words.

“I know you’re driven to fix everything for everyone,” she starts quietly, her gaze on Clarke unwavering. “But you can’t fix this.”

“You think I don’t know that?” Clarke nearly screams. They both break eye contact at the same time, as if that tiny connection is too real, too intimate.

Clarke shakes her head in frustration and turns away from Lexa. They’re going around in circles, and neither is backing down. Lexa, because she needs Clarke to understand, and Clarke, because she’s stubborn. Desperate. She knows that fighting this will only make it harder, because there’s really nothing she can do to prevent it. Lexa is moving away, there’s no crime in that. But she’s just unable to accept it. Because, really, how is she supposed to accept something like that? Lexa’s the most important person in her life. She can’t bear to lose her. 

She needs some kind of reassurance. She needs to know whether their friendship will survive their separation. She wants nothing more than to be able to see the future and know that she and Lexa will be okay. But at the same times she’s afraid to catch a glimpse of her future. What if they grow apart? What if they will never see each other again? What if-

“I can’t.. I can’t do this, Lexa. I don’t know how to let you go.” Her hands tremble as she slowly turns back around again. She takes a small pause when their eyes meet. “There has to be another way.”

Clarke watches Lexa’s throat bob as she swallows before answering, “There isn’t..”

The guilty look that flashes through Lexa’s eyes makes Clarke swallow down the bile that rises in her throat. She hates this. All of this. She would punch her friend if she didn’t want to hug her. She shakes her head and looks down at her feet, unable to form words. She slowly breathes in and out to try and calm down. But it doesn’t help.

Lexa moves closer and Clarke thinks she can hear her heart beat. She doesn’t look up, because she’s afraid she’ll start to cry and beg her friend to stay, but knows it will make no difference. Lexa’s obviously made up her mind to go. 

“Clarke,” Lexa tries to lift her chin, but she doesn’t let her. Lexa lets out a shaky breath before she whispers, “It’s not my intention to hurt you. I hope you know that. I wish I could do or say something to make it better… but I can’t.” She sighs and bows her head. “I’m so, so sorry, Clarke.” 

Something in her voice makes Clarke look up and meet her gaze with her own. She searches Lexa’s eyes, her face. Clarke knows Lexa’s trying, she really is, she knows that. But it doesn’t make it better. She has a thousand things she wants to say, but most of them would hurt too much to vocalize. So instead, she keeps her mouth shut.

Lexa glances to the side and seems to brace herself before she speaks again. “I’m sorry, but you need to face it, Clarke. I’m moving whether I.. you like it or not.” Clarke wonders what the sentence was supposed to be before Lexa caught herself. 

There’s a gap that feels like an hour before Lexa’s words finally sink in. ‘You need to face it.’ In other words, deal with it. Well, she doesn’t want to. Somewhere, in the back of her mind, she knows Lexa is right. She knows she needs to face the inevitable sooner than later. But it feels like giving up, like she’s surrendering. She wants to prove she’s a fighter, and she’ll fight like hell to keep Lexa in her life. But she can’t fight this battle on her own. She needs her best friend now more than ever. But what the hell can she do when Lexa already seems to have given up on them?

It makes her so angry, broken, frustrated, and she has the right to be all of those things, just as much as Lexa has a right to try and move on. But that doesn’t change the fact that she’s breaking the promise she made all those years ago.

“You promised me you wouldn’t leave me. You promised, Lexa!” She doesn’t want to sound desperate, but she is. She’s falling apart and there’s nothing she can do to stop it. She hesitates for only a second before continuing, “You and me against the world, remember?”

Lexa’s doesn’t answer, she just looks at Clarke with wide, sad eyes and takes it. It only makes Clarke angrier. She can’t think straight. All she feels is the rage threatening to choke her. Her head is spinning from so many things happening at once – their kiss, the feeling of betrayal, Lexa’s unwillingness to fight. The room is suddenly small, too small, and she can’t find enough air to fill her aching lungs. She’s silently suffocating under the pressure.

Clarke moves around the room, clenching her fists in frustration. She feels like punching something. “Why did I ever believe you? Why did I ever trust you?”

Lexa pales at her words. Her full lips part as she helplessly blinks at Clarke. “Clarke, please, don’t say that,” she stumbles to say, a hint of panic in her voice. “You know-”

“Nothing!” Clarke finishes Lexa’s sentence and takes a step toward her. “Everything I thought I knew about you has been a lie. You are not the friend I thought you were. I don’t even know who you are anymore!”

Being torn between feeling betrayed and feeling sorry for Lexa sucks, but she swallows it down. Lexa looks at the ground, as if gathering her thoughts. It takes her several seconds to speak. “It may not seem that way, but you know me better than anyone else does.” Her voice is quiet and shaky.

The words strike a chord with Clarke, hitting something deep inside her chest. She’s not sure what to say to her admission. She feels like she does know Lexa on a very, very personal level, like somehow they connect much deeper, but right now she doesn’t feel any of those things. She feels alone and vulnerable, with absolutely no hope of keeping her best friend around.

Clarke’s jaw tenses and she stares fixedly forward. An unexpected touch to her forearm causes her to look at Lexa. She’s standing so close that Clarke can feel the warmth of her body and she can’t help noticing all the tiny details of her face. But she can’t handle that right now. Lexa doesn’t get to do this, not anymore. Clarke’s body, however, is still responding to her friend’s nearness, with that shivery weakness running through her, the ache in her belly leaving her trembling almost literally.

She wants to say a million things, but she knows most of them are unhelpful or unkind. She closes her eyes and tries not to tremble when Lexa lets go of her forearm. “I thought I did, but I’m not so sure anymore,” she ends up blurting out, amazed at how steady her voice sounds when she’s literally falling apart.

Lexa opens her mouth to say something, but Clarke beats her to it. “And does it even matter? You’re leaving anyway!”

“I made this decision with my head and not my heart, Clarke.” Lexa’s not looking at her. She’s staring into the distance, and her expression is lost. She sounds defeated. And she looks defeated too. It’s in her weary face and in her slumped shoulders.

Clarke swallows and watches Lexa step away from her. She wants to cry, and beg her friend not to hurt her. But she doesn’t, because she’s too concerned with Lexa pulling further away from her. She can feel her slipping through her fingers, and just like before, she’s powerless to stop it. 

“Right.. What was I even thinking?” she shakes her head, backing away to the door.

She ignores the fresh tears that spring to her eyes when she sees Lexa’s panicked expression. Lexa has never looked at her that way, never. It feels plain wrong to be at the receiving end of that stare. Another surge of anger rises up and catches in her throat. This is not her fault. None of this is her fault.

She doesn’t have any more to lose, so why hold back? How much worse can it really get?

“After everything I’ve been through, I just can’t believe-“ she whispers, throat closing with emotions. She’s struggling not to let tears slide down her cheeks. She draws a sharp breath and chooses to push through. “How can you do this to me?”

She wants to search Lexa’s green pools for something akin to hurt or anger, but she’s too scared of actually finding anything like that in them. But maybe that’s exactly what she needs. She needs something to provoke her friend to fight back, something to make her open up and share what she’s actually feeling. 

“How can you give up on us so easily?”

When Lexa doesn’t say anything, she has to fight against her urge to scream. She continues to look at Clarke with that devastated look in her eyes that sets off a tight coiling in her stomach. The silence grows, threatening to swallow them whole, and she can’t take it anymore. She’s so terribly broken and angry about everything.

This clearly isn’t working. She needs to try something else. It’s not something she really wants to talk about, but she feels it’s something she should bring up. Besides, this might very well be her last opportunity. She takes a deep, shuddering breath to calm her nerves.

“I love you, Lex,” she blurts out despite the feeling she’d better stop while she still can. But that’s the thing, She can’t. It comes pouring out of her, and she’s helpless to stop it. “I’m in love with you.”

Her passionate feelings for Lexa had only led to confusion and pain, both physical and emotional. But she decides it is worth it. She needs Lexa to understand the depth of her feelings, and now that her feelings are out in the open, she almost feels relieved. But at the same time she’s terrified, because now Lexa has all the power to either embrace her or discard her. 

Lexa stares at her, clearly taken aback, and her green eyes flicker back and forth between hers. It’s silent for what seems like an eternity before she whispers, “You can’t be..”

Clarke blinks, trying to control her growing irritation. “Why not?”

“Because.. Because..” Lexa stumbles, the look in her eyes growing a little distant. As if she’s pulling away. Clarke can easily see that Lexa’s trying not to say what she says next, but still she does. “You’re not in love with me, you’re not thinking clearly right now, Clarke. You can’t say something like that.”

That horrible feeling of being stuck is back in full force, and she suddenly feels drained. Completely, fully drained. She’s so mad she can’t even think of words to say and almost flinches when Lexa speaks again.

“You think you’re in love with me because you don’t want me to leave. It’s clouding you’re judgement. We probably shouldn’t be talking about this right now.”

Clarke honestly doesn’t know what she expected, but it wasn’t this. She doesn’t know what hurts more – Lexa’s words or the way she completely deflates her feelings. She’s so, so tired of feeling hurt. She shakes her head with a bitter, humorless smile.

“Don’t you dare presume to tell me anything. Not about how I feel or how I should feel. Not now, not ever!” she growls in anger, in pain and torment, in frustration and denial.

Lexa walks right into her personal space and gives her a challenging stare. “Are you sure, Clarke? Are you sure you’re in love? Are you sure you are not mistaking your feelings for me?”

Clarke blinks up at her in disbelief. How can she even ask that? How can she be so clueless? She wonders, with a sinking feeling, if Lexa’s playing dumb or if she actually doesn’t know how much she means to her. If only Lexa knew how long she’s been in love with her without even being aware she was. She’s been falling in love with her best friend for years.

She is puzzled, and at the same time, she understands. Just yesterday, she wasn’t sure about her feelings for Lexa. And today, she’s in love with her. But it doesn’t make it hurt any less. While she is desperate to hold on to the feeling, even if it’s hurting her like hell, Lexa looks like she wants nothing more than to diminish it.

She’s frozen, her mouth moving with no sound coming out because frankly there isn’t much to say. There’s no good telling her- Lexa won’t believe her. Best to just keep her mouth shut and get the hell out of here. She’s mentally running away again because she has no idea how she’s supposed to deal with all these confusing emotions and cravings. It is easier to quit than to cope.

“I can’t-“ she chokes on air, and releases a shaky breath she didn’t realize she was holding. She can’t bear it anymore, can’t stand to look her in the face. “I can’t do this right now. I have to go.”

She spins around and walks away. She thinks the image is forever etched across her eyelids. Her broken friend, her beautiful face twisted with guilt and sorrow. Clarke’s tears are running freely now and there’s no way to stop the sobs from wracking her body.

She stops abruptly when she feels a warm hand wrap around her wrist. “Clarke, please, wait..”

She turns, sharply, almost colliding with Lexa who steadies her. Clarke frantically pushes her away. “Let me go!” she screams, but Lexa only tightens her grip around her wrist. Another shove. She’s punching Lexa’s shoulder now and still she doesn’t bulge.

“Why are you even still here? Just leave!” She spits the words like fire, her voice sounding foreign to her ears. There are hot tears slipping silently down her face, and she hopes the shadows hide them for the most part. Lexa doesn’t deserve to see her cry.

Despite her best efforts, she inches closer to her friend, her movements angry and trembling. She sets her palm against Lexa’s stomach and bunches her shirt in her fist, pulling at it to bring her closer, until their noses are nearly touching. Lexa’s watching her but makes no move to step away.

“Let. Me. Go,” Clarke seethes through gritted teeth. She knows she’s being childish, but she can’t help it. She feels miserable, broken, and she hates Lexa for making her feel like that. But above all, she hates herself for getting into this situation, for opening herself up to the hurt that constricts her chest at every breath.

There’s a hitch, a sharp intake of breath, and it’s too much for Clarke to handle. She gives her another hard shove and Lexa stumbles away from her with an expression of pure shock on her face.

“I hate you!” she chokes out without thinking, and the words seem to shake the walls around them. It hurts both of them like a knife. Clarke’s surprised at her own outburst. She’s only half-aware of what she’s saying.

She watches Lexa’s eyes go wide. Her eyes are just as red and filled with tears as her own. Her words are meant to wound, but they come out sounding a lot more like she is trying to convince herself that what she’s saying is true. Her hands are balled into fists so tight that her arms are trembling, and her blood feels like it’s boiling under her skin.

“I hate you so much!” she cries as she steps forward and shoves Lexa again. She’s horrified at each word that comes out of her mouth, but it’s like she can’t stop it. She has to get it out. She can see her friend flinch with every word that comes out her mouth but she doesn’t care.

Lexa slightly opens her mouth, as if to say something, but then closes it again and looks away, locking her jaw. Her expression so devastatingly sad that Clarke almost wants to gather her into her arms. Almost.

Instead, she shoves her again, sending Lexa stumbling backwards. “You’re a coward!”

Come on, be angry with me. Take off your mask and show me how you feel. Please! But Lexa doesn’t even put up a fight. She just stands there and lets Clarke shove her. She expects a lot of things, but not Lexa’s total lack of resistance. As if she places her fate in Clarke’s hands. As if she’s able to control the situation and the outcome. Well, she doesn’t want it like this.

The next thing Clarke knows, they are face to face, much closer than she anticipated. Her breath catches in her throat. Lexa’s face is streaked with tears. She swallows around the lump in her throat. She can’t bear the look Lexa gives her, so she looks away. She wonders if she’s ever going to get used to how intense Lexa’s gaze can become.

This time it’s Lexa who moves closer, tentatively closing the space between them. Before she knows what’s happening or has time to protest, Lexa drops to her knees in front of her, staring up at Clarke with her wide green eyes. There’s no anger in them, only deep, endless sadness.

Clarke freezes and gapes down at her in complete shock, unsure of what to expect. She sucks in a breath and holds it. Tears pool in Lexa’s eyes and Clarke can barely pretend the way the green in them shine brighter doesn’t make Lexa look even prettier. She frowns when she sees Lexa’s bottom lip trembling for a moment before she takes it in between her teeth, biting on it so hard Clarke is afraid she’ll draw blood.

Her heart skips a beat when Lexa finally speaks, her green eyes more vulnerable than ever. “I swear I’ll always be your friend, Clarke. I might not always act like it, but that’s because it’s hard for me to trust people. I’m so used to putting my guard up. But I trust you. And I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for making you feel less than you are. Because you are everything to me, Clarke. Even if I have a crappy way of showing it.” 

She stares up at Clarke for what feels like minutes, her searching gaze so intense it almost feels like an actual touch on her skin. Lexa tentatively reaches up and takes one of her hands in her own and holds it so tightly that Clarke feels her fingers going numb. The next words are whispered, but to Clarke, they are so, so loud.

“No matter where I go, you’ll always be my family.”

Lexa’s gaze is too much. Too overwhelming, too much of everything, and she breaks down with so many things tearing at her chest – fear, love, pain. But there’s also a new hope fluttering at her heart. She feels her legs buckle under the weight of her emotions and finds herself dropping to her knees so that their faces are at the same level.

Something passes between them, sending a shiver down her spine. Lexa finds her left hand in a fists beside her hip and works it open, sliding her fingers in between hers, leaning in close.

“I promise to text you every day so you won’t forget about me, and we’ll visit each other as much as possible. We’ll find a way.”

Clarke feels so many things at once, and she doesn’t quite know how to handle them. Lexa has that effect on her. “You promise?”

Leaning her forehead against Clarke’s, Lexa whispers, her mouth so close her breath hits Clarke’s cheek, “I promise.”


End file.
